beautiful disaster

so, sometimes i feel like i am a complete failure.
other times i just feel like i can do whatever it takes for me to succeed.
its never together, but one or the other.

i need to start creating art again.

this summer i plan on painting a mural on my car. but i think i may need some help from my friends. my one friend is a spectacular artist.

my boyfriend thinks i secretly want her, i don't think so. lol.
he is just dreaming.

blah.

sweet summertime.

summer is finally here.
thankgoodness.

Chocolate gives me heartburn. :(

I feel like disappointed with life right now. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. There are so many things I have to accomplish this week and I don't feel like doing anything at all.

I have exams on tuesday, wednesday, and friday. I have to move everything out of my apartment on the 2nd. and I have to find a job for the summer. I feel like stressed out.

My family flies by me, I am just a rock in their path. No one really talks to me, if they do they are drunk. Its just a weird time. I am worried that once I am out of my apartment and home for the summer I am not going to have anywhere to go to just chill out by myself. At least now, here in my room at my apartment I can be by myself. At home everyone is up my ass.

Once I do get home its going to be me, cooking and cleaning all day long. My house is a mess, I help my boyfriend's mom out by cleaning her house (for money). And I cook like everyday. I am just sick of it. I want to be alone.

All I want is my mom, but she is 6 feet under in a grave decaying. FML. :(

all bottled up inside...

I feel lonely, and depressed.

Next wednesday will be a year that my mom passed away. I miss her so much, you have no idea. I basically lost a best friend. Me and my mom were really close.

I've been recently feeling like I have lost another best friend, my friend amanda. But I think she has been gone for quite some time now.

I have also lost myself. I am not the same person as I used to be before my mom passed away. I miss my mom, and myself.


I love how my friends never invite me to do anything. I love how my roommates (the one who hates me, and amanda) go and do things, but never tell me. I don't want to go with them (i can't fucking stand Liz) but I would just like to know why amanda never attempts or tries to hang out with me.


Heaven forbid she actually asks me how I am, I'm actually pretty sure she doesn't even know my mom's 1 yr ann. of her death is next week. She doesn't care. When it happened she came and visited me the next day, was there for the funeral, and never talked about it since, or even asked me how I am doing. I don't know, to me that is showing that you don't care. I guess me considering her one of my best friends was pretty dumb. How can someone be a friend if they don't really care about you?


I at least try to care about my friends, I may not do a good job of listening all the time, but I try to be there for them. Thats more than I can say about amanda. I think I am done with her. I'm done with everything.


Life just fucking sucks. But like the desk that I have in educational psychology says... "life will kill you."



aint that the truth.

3 more weeks of school

2 more weeks of classes, and 1 week of finals. then i am done til the end of august.
fuckin' sweet.

my roommate is a stupid c**t. i can't frikkin stand her. i am sooooooooo excited to be moving out of here soon and to never ever have to deal with her again.

she likes to use the COMMON AREA as her personal study/library, and her "nap time" area.

i would love to punch her in the face one day. either that or to tell her to go fuck herself.

Your voice is like a fire alarm.

Today I found out that I was accepted into the Art Education program at my school. Let me tell you, I am very excited. Now I have a major and I am no longer "undeclared" I also have a schedule picked out for next semester.

I am going to try to forget that I will have to take an extra year of college (I should be graduating in the spring of 2010.) But now it will be spring 2011.


Everyone thinks I am really young. Like a freshman, or even in highschool. I'm 20 yrs old dammit and almost a senior in college. FML.

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend (we just recently celebrated our 1 and a half years together on April 3rd). I told him that sometimes I hate his voice, and listening to him talk makes me want to smash my phone and then shoot myself. lol.


I love him.

here I am always bitching about something...

I know I am constantly bitching on here, but I feel like I have no where else to go with my feelings. And that to me is really sad. I feel like I have no friends that I can talk to. My so called "best friends" could care less about me, and it is hard to talk to them about anything besides guys, and drinking.
My friends at school are okay. It is easy for me to make friends, its not easy for me to maintain friendships. I just stop talking to people, I can't help it, people either bore me or piss me off.
I cried myself to sleep last night because I realized that I don't have a single friend I could talk to that I could tell them how I am feeling. I am feeling alone, hurt, small, stressed, scared, depressed, sad, upset, trapped, unsafe, frustrated, confused, horrible, monstrous.

Too bad I have no one to talk to.
I think I have always dealt with being depressed. Last year it came to a head when I measured how much rope I would need to hang myself in my basement. (obviously I didn't do it, I think I just needed people to care and pay attention to me). I sometimes still feel those feelings though. I just feel really alone. Alone in the world with no one to talk to.

................oh baby.

Blargh.
Not feeling well today. Not feeling well emotionally either, I could care less about everything and anything.

roughly one more month to go!

Oh. My. Goodness. I am so excited. One more month of school (roughly) and then summer! No more roommates, no more cold, drafty, prison like apartment, no more strange mushroom smells outside, no more mennonites. I am so frikkin excited.


My roommate from hell, Liz, has unfriended me from facebook. Its about fucking time. Now I can trash the bitch all I want without feeling guilty.


I know this is horrible of me to say, but I really want to fuck something of her's up. (I'm sure she has messed with my shit before). I don't want to seem disgusting but I would love to like... wipe a booger on her door handle or something. Or spit in her milk.


I just really can't stand this girl. I thought I was an easy person to get along with but I guess I was totally wrong. lol. I still think I am easy to get along with, just don't piss me off.

On a clear day baby, you can see tomorrow.

I just watched the movie "Jawbreaker". Such a good movie. I am in the mood to be amused, but there is no one around-- scratch that, the roommate is here, but I would rather talk to a wall.

Spring break went well, it made me more tired that I had started out being. I am still catching up on sleep. School is going well I guess, still not doing good in Biology but at this point it can seriously bite me.

I've gotten fatter (no surprise), so I can't really fit into my bridemaid's dress comfortably. Time to hit the gym everyday at school I guess-- lucky me.
Nothing really is going on... but a question

what is a friend?

if you know the answer please let me know.

Spring Break can't come any sooner...

I totally need spring break right now. Only 2 more days.

I woke up today thinking that today would be a waste of perfectly good paint, but I was wrong. I did start out doing a painting of an orange flower, on a window sill, soaking up the sun. But... that turned out looking like shit. (partly because I wasn't feeling good, had a headache, stomach ache, and I wasn't really into painting). After I got back from Bio, I decided to try again, so I painted black over the whole painting, which was quite liberating. haha. Then I began to paint my seashell, turned out really well.

Tomorrow I am going to go back to that professor's office for him to look over my artwork again. Last time he said that if I made all the corrections on my pieces that he was pretty confident that I would make it into the program this time. So now instead of feeling relief, I am freaking out. Because what if I didn't improve and I did worse haha. I don't know.

I think I need to start doing drugs. Too bad I can't smoke because I have asthma. I did do pot a few times, first time was on thanksgiving of.... 2007? lol, I really can't remember. I fell off an exercise ball and into a door that night good times. I would rather drink

Right now my drink of choice is tequila! It is very yum, and mixed with V8 mango peach juice it tastes absolutely amazing. I think because I don't have dance at 8am tomorrow morning I will drink tonight. I am in the mood to get shit faced. Too bad my roommates won't drink haha.

I think I have a.d.d.

okay bye! cya next time!

all in a days work...

Today. There was nothing different about today than any other day that goes on in my life. Of course the campus wasn't closed for presidents day, I am still sick with a wicked cold, my roommate sucks, and I didn't do my homework. But something changed.


After doping myself up on Robitussin (3/4 of the bottle to be precise) I then went to Geography, and almost fell asleep. Which would have been okay, except for the meaning of "personal bubble" doesn't apply in that class, I know this because my ass/thigh touches the person who is next to me on both sides. Anywho, I almost got into an accident, because... I almost fell asleep while pulling out of the parking lot. I made it to CVS where I eventually found the cold remedies isle, where I picked up "CVS pharmacy Multi-Symptom Cold Relief -pain reliever/fever reducer/nasal decongestant/cough supressant/ antihistamine. (and this is the best part) for DAYTIME and NIGHTTIME." lol.


So I got back to my apartment and took a few (the recommended dose of course!) and something astonishing happened.... I actually finished my project that was going to be due today at 5pm. I finished it. That really surprised me because 1st of all... I was all doped up. But it turned out REALLY good.
I actually just took one of those nighttime ones right now... haha.
I just feel.... good. lol.


So tomorrow I have an "undeclared freshman student meeting" FUCK that. First of all, I'm a junior, not a freshman, so kill me that I can't declare my major because those bastards wont accept my portfolio. Sorry, this school where I give all my money to pisses me off. It is mandatory, I just want to tell them, "look, i've been trying for the past 2 semesters to get into a damn major get off my back"


I am actually really upset that my school doesn't have an art history major or minor. I love art history, I think that is what I want to do. Besides teaching art of course. There are so many meanings in artwork that if you don't know what is happening you could really miss out on something important, and really amusing and interesting.


Like this painting from the Rococo period, called "The Swing" I forget who it is by right now, but it is an amazing painting. What you see is, a woman swinging on a swing, getting pushed by her husband, but lurking in the forground by the bushes is her lover. The best part about the painting (and you would have to know the history of the time) is that women back then didn't wear underwear. So her husband is unknowingly pushing his wife on a swing, so she can reveal herself to her lover who is lurking in the bushes infront of her.


Classic.


The roomate (the one I can't stand) is turning 21, today. I said happy birthday, and I'm good now for the rest of the week. lol.


I'm feeling a little sleepy now. I will post more this week, probably in a few hours from now because this place is so boring. Gotta love the Amish though, on highways. :)

some anger issues....

I totally want to punch my roommate in her face. I honestly would like to punch her in her face and see her fall to the floor.
I am sick... possibly the flu.... I should wipe my germs on her door handle.
She is being a bitch all because last Wednesday, I had two friends over and they (we) were being loud. My bad, shoot me in the fucking face. She needs to get laid. Seriously, maybe then she will loosen up and stop being such a frigid bitch.

Deadlines frighten me.

March 20. March 20. March 20.
That is the deadline. Too bad I need to submit it before the deadline so I can know if I am able to take classes or not next semester in the Fall.
I want to get into the Art Education program at my school, I love art, but I don't know if I will love teaching. I am a very impatient person. This semester will be the 3rd time I am submitting a portfolio. Last spring I sent one in, it was horrible (seriously) and I was very depressed at the time. Then my mother died, which made me even more depressed. Fall 08 semester I turned a very new and greatly improved portfolio in, and again I was denied. Part of that was their fault because some numbnuts lost my fucking slide list information for my artwork. Those Fuckers.
Now this is going to be my third try, and let me tell you something... I HATE making artwork off of still life. I can't fucking stand it. I don't want to see reality, I want to be abstract and express emotion and feeling. I don't want to draw a fucking apple on a fucking table. Seriously. Fuck that.
But I can't, for this portfolio I have to show a high "observational" skill. Plus the images can't be blurry like they were last semester, I actually have to make my self stop shaking for like a moment.


The deadline is approaching, and I am a nervous wreck. I am seriously beginning to doubt my artistic abilities. I suck at life.
my artwork on facebook

roommate drama?

So, I live with two other girls. The one girl Amanda, who has been my best friend since 6Th grade, and Liz a girl from my high school, who I barely know (well, i semi-know her now, since I live with her).
Here is a run down of the situation last semester---- For some reason the roommates decided not to talk to me or include me in anything they did. Especially Liz, but Amanda (who is my best friend) would also leave with Liz and not invite me.---- Alright, so I wasn't an angel, I purposely pissed Liz off because I like pressing people's buttons and seeing their reactions to things.
Over winter break I had a break from them, obviously. I came back and things were "normal". They were both talking to me, me and Liz were actually hanging out and things were good. Up until, a few days ago, not sure why.
Liz hasn't spoken a word to me today (which is slightly okay with me) but I think it was because she gets into "moods".
I have had my two other friends over from 630 to 11pm tonight. The whole time she never came out, (which is fine) but.... shouldn't she eat? or at least use the bathroom? My friends are extremely loud, I think the one may need to up her dose on Ritalin, but anyhow... it just... bothers me.
It bothers me because I think a repeat of last semester is in store for me and I have no idea why.
As I always do, I say "sorry for the excessive loudness" to my roommates when my friends leave, But Liz is being extra bitchy.
I just hope she doesn't try the same shit she pulled last semester.
I already told her I would box her once, and I wasn't kidding.

fail.

so those exams I had today, and I was studying for all day yesterday.... totally "chris browned" me. a.k.a beat me up.

i guess i shouldn't have started studying 1 day before the exams....

Even the soda will not keep me awake much longer.

So, since we have no water here in good ol' k-town, I've been drinking soda all day long. I presumed it would give me enough boost to read the 8 chapters I needed to read for my two exams tomorrow. I was wrong. I've been reading since about.... 2:30pm. I am finally done. In the meantime I had to make a paper mache sculpture, think about starting a painting, and wash some dishes. But for the most part I read, and studied. I hope my efforts pay off tomorrow (well today, at around 11am, and 3pm).
I am having problems, I think I have "seasonal depression" haha, I just get really fucked up during february for some reason, last year was really bad. I need to start/finish my art portfolio for school so I can finally get into my major, about.... 3 years late. :) It is due March 20, but... since I don't have that much time I need to get it in sooner, which means I need to produce artwork in a hurry. Which doesn't really happen for me since I have not motivated what-so-ever. Being turned down twice by this Art education program has really taken its toll. Sure, I want to try again and hopefully make it in, but I am so sick of failing, and failing over stupid mistakes.
When I was younger I used to be so afraid of failure that I wouldn't even try at all. But turns out, that isn't that way to go either because if you don't try, its also considered failing. haha. I am just sick of being turned down. Sick of people asking things of me, sick of living up to expectations. My sister is a screw up, and older than me. So basically I have to pull my weight, and hers.
I don't know, I honestly think february drives my mind crazy.

Don't drink the water.

Ah, what a beautiful morning here in Kutztown, oh but wait... before you use the water to brush your teeth, you better boil it first. Yay for microorganisms living in the water!
Boil the water for-- doing dishes, making food, drinking purposes, brushing your teeth. etc. Fun stuff. My roommates decided yesterday to cook an abundant amount of food, but now all the dishes are taking over the counter. It will seriously be a cold day in hell before I wash their dishes, considering the fact that they wouldn't return the favor. lol.
I tried to buy food today that I didn't have to use dishes for, so I ended up buying ice pops, crackers, chips and cookies. Yum. I bought new bread because the bread I have is molding... but I feel bad for wasting it, I might go across the street and feed it to some unsuspecting birds.

Cable in only one room= bad idea.

Living with roommates is hard enough for me, seeing as though I can't stand to be around people half the time. I live with two other girls, and I am in college. We all have TV's in our rooms and dvd players.... but only the living room TV has cable.
Thats fine. Any other day that is completely fine. Every monday night since september I have been watching paranormal state on A&E at 10pm. Today my roommates decide to bring one of their DVD players out into the living room, to watch episodes of King of Queens. Fine, great, I like that show. But I don't like that show when I want to watch my show which is on at 10pm.
I tried not to say anything but I was becoming increasingly annoyed at the situation, because any other time, no one would be using that room besides me. They are both doing their homework too in that room now, while watching King of Queens.
They can't let me watch an hour of TV. seriously? wtf.
Last semester I had trouble with my one roommate Liz, I told her I wanted to box her because I couldn't stand her. This semester so far has been going pretty well, until tonight. I think after tonight the shit will hit the fan because, Liz is a bitch like that and she will make me living experience a living hell, just like she did all last semester.
I just needed somewhere to blog this. I can't express myself on facebook, or myspace because people I know, know the people I am bitching about... so that is definitely not a win win situation. okay, so I am off to study for an exam. I feel really frustrated right now.